


Regrets, I've Had a Few

by Candace_cn



Category: PewDiePie (YouTube RPF), Sean McLoughlin - Fandom, Septiplier - Fandom, jacksepticeye, markiplier - Fandom, youtube - Fandom
Genre: M/M, Septiplier - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-13
Updated: 2016-10-21
Packaged: 2018-08-22 06:38:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8276294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Candace_cn/pseuds/Candace_cn
Summary: Mark takes for granted the fact that Jack will always be his biggest fan, but when Jack comes out on YouTube with a new boyfriend, Mark realizes he may have missed his chance. Preview: “Mark—“ He licked his lips nervously. I followed the movement with my eyes, wishing that I could follow it with my tongue. “I fucking can’t stop thinking about you,” he whispered.





	1. Chapter 1

I try not to dwell on regrets or “what ifs”. And anytime I feel like I missed an opportunity, I just remind myself of all the opportunities I have taken or will take in the future, and I try to be content with those. It’s worked for me up until this point. I have very few regrets and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. 

Like with Jack, for example. We had been friends for a while online before he came out to L.A. for a convention. I didn’t really think much of his visit before I saw him. He was a sweet kid and a talented YouTuber. I was as excited to spend time with him as I was with Wade or Bob or Felix. That was all. 

I saw him in person for the first time in our hotel elevator. I was just about to head up to my room after wandering around the convention center. As I pushed the button to the sixth floor where I was staying, I heard a familiar Irish accent shout out, “Hey! Hold the lift please!” 

I pressed the door open button and smiled, knowing exactly who was running toward me, dufflebag slung over his shoulder. “Thanks, man,” he said, distractedly looking at his phone. I kept smiling and couldn’t keep a laugh contained as the doors shut. 

I cleared my throat and said in a terrible Irish accent, “Top of the mornin’ to ya.” Jack looked up, first with confusion and then with shock. 

“Fucking Markiplier?” He was smiling so big I thought his face would split.

“Yeah, dude! What’s up?” I said, opening my arms up for a hug. He dropped his duffle and wrapped his arms around me in such an unabashed and endearing way that I felt like someone had just given me a puppy. I laughed and broke off the hug as the elevator dinged that we were on the sixth floor. 

“Well, this is me,” I said, giving Jack a pat on the shoulder. He was staring at me so intently and with so much adoration that I couldn’t help smiling. “See you around, then?” 

Jack shook himself out of his daze and nodded. “Yeah! For sure. See you at the panel if not sooner, dude.” 

The elevator doors began to shut, so I quickly stepped out. Jack waved awkwardly at me until the doors closed completely. I smirked. This kid was adorable. 

The rest of the weekend went by in a blur. I had two panels, one of which, Jack was on. We played well off each other, and both of us fed off of teasing the audience with our strategically placed physical contact that made the crowd scream. It was awesome. Jack, too, seemed to be loving every second of his time with his “hero” Markiplier. And I had to admit that the way he way he looked at me like I was the most important person in the world fluffed my ego and made my insides turn to mush.

On Saturday night, we had dinner together with some other YouTubers. Jack followed me closely into the restaurant and purposefully cut between Wade and me to sit next to my seat. It made me smile. He was like a little boy with a crush. It was so obvious the way he looked up to me. At one point in the meal, his hand brushed my leg under the table and stuttered out an apology. I looked at him confusedly. After all, we’d touched often enough in front of the audience. 

I said out loud for the table to hear, “Looks like Jack wants a piece of good ol Markimoo. All you had to do is ask, babe. We don’t need to hide from these people.” Jack flushed and laughed along with everyone else.

“You fucking wish you had a piece of this ass,” Jack teased, running a hand through his hair and winking at me. Oh, he wanted to play, huh? I put my arm behind his chair and leaned over like I was going to whisper something in his ear. Jack stiffened the second I got close enough for him to feel my breath against his ear. 

“You like this darling?” I asked in the lowest, deepest voice I could manage, so that he could feel the vibrations against his skin, which was softer than I’d thought it would be. Suddenly, it felt tense. Too real. I swore I felt him shiver, but I didn’t read into it. I swallowed thickly and stuck my tongue out playfully to lick his ear. 

“Ew, dude. Gross!” He pushed me away and rubbed at his ear, laughing. 

After dinner, Jack told me that I’d better give him a “proper goodbye” before he left the next day, so we agreed to meet in the lobby of the hotel in the morning. 

With the best of intentions, I went back to the hotel and set my alarm for 8:55 am: five minutes before he had to leave for the airport. I fell asleep thinking about how I was going to miss Jack. Who knew when he’d be back.

The next morning, I woke up to the ding of a text message. I looked at my phone. It was 9:10. Fuck. Still in my pajama pants, I threw on a t-shirt and dashed down to the elevator, pressing the button repeatedly like it would make it go faster. He’d probably already left. 

When I got to the lobby, I saw Jack standing anxiously with his duffle over his shoulder, checking his phone and looking dejected. I felt like an asshole. “Jack!” I shouted, jogging over to him. He looked annoyed, but relieved that I was there.

“I thought you forgot about me,” he said, sadder than he had any right to be. We barely knew each other.

“Of course not! I could never, Sean.” His name felt right. He smiled like a sunbeam. “You should go! You’re going to be la—“

“Oh my god, it’s Markiplier!” I heard from behind me. A group of teenage girls came over shyly and asked to take a picture. I smiled at them and agreed, turning on the charm. They began telling me how big of fans they were of me. I replied with the appropriate amount of humility and gratitude. 

Jack cleared his throat. I turned around and looked at him apologetically. 

“I really have to go. My flight leaves soon,” he said. 

“Of course, dude! I’m so sorry I was late this morning. I swear, I didn’t hear my alarm go off.” I gave him a quick side hug. The girls kept talking as Jack gave an awkward wave and slipped out the front door into a waiting taxi. I missed him immediately. It was a weird feeling, like I’d just lost a little part of myself. 

I forced myself not to have any regrets. I’d had a great time with Jack, and now I’d just have to be happy with our online friendship. 

It didn’t seem like enough. 

*************************************

After our first time meeting, I started watching Jack’s videos more often. I’d always been a fan of his, but now I couldn’t seem to get enough of him. I laughed at his antics and over-the-top commentary. I saw some of myself in him, but every video, he was becoming more and more his own person. I slowly noticed his follower count rising exponentially. I was so proud of him. I texted him to tell him just that. 

“Hey dude, just wanted to say that I think your channel is awesome and I’m so happy that you are finding the success you deserve.” It was a little formal, but I figured he’d appreciate the sentiment.

Three dots appeared on the screen immediately to show he was typing even though it was the middle of the night for him.  
The dots disappeared.  
Then reappeared.  
Then disappeared.  
Then reappeared again.

I smiled. I would give anything to read all the texts he erased before sending. I wondered what he wanted to say but was too shy to. Finally, a text appeared.

“Thanks, man. That means a lot,” it said. Then, just seconds later. “I miss you.” Then, “Fuck, sorry, I didn’t mean to send that.”

I smiled at my phone as I leaned back in my desk chair. “You do, huh?” I typed back.

“Shut up.”

“You should come back to visit.” I was more nervous than I should have been, waiting for his response.

“I’m coming out for PAX next year.”

“No, I mean, just to visit.” 

“To visit you?”

I swallowed. That’s what I’d meant, but now it seemed like a bad idea. I sounded too eager, and I didn’t want him to spend too much money just because of how much he looked up to me. Although, with his channel as big as it was becoming, I didn’t think he’d need to look up to me for much longer. I started typing without really knowing what I was going to say. He did the same. We both erased whatever we were going to say. Then started typing again at the same time. Then erased again. This was ridiculous. I laughed lightly before dialing his number to call him. 

It rang three times before he answered. What took him so long? “So ya must miss me too, huh?” he asked. His voice sounded groggy, like he’d been asleep.

“You wish. You’re just terrible at texting,” I teased him. I heard shuffling and a grunt as I assumed he sat up in bed. 

“You have bad timing. It’s 3 a.m. here.” 

“You didn’t have to answer,” I laughed. 

“And miss the chance to talk to my favorite YouTuber? Hell no!”

I beamed. “Glad you haven’t forgotten me despite your incredible fame.”

“Yeah, dude, it’s crazy. I have no idea why people like me all of a sudden.” 

“Cause you’re adorable as fuck.” I regretted saying it as soon as the words came out of his mouth. 

Fortunately, he just laughed it off. “Bet you just say that to all the girls.”

I smiled like he could see me. “What do you think about coming to visit? I-- Everyone misses you here. Bob won’t stop talking about you.”

“Bob. Right… Yeah, I would love to, man. I just have to plan ahead and save a bit. Tickets are expensive, you know.”

“No pressure, man. I don’t want you to overextend yourself. Seriously.”

“I really want to though. I miss…Bob too.” 

I laughed goodnaturedly. The phone line went quiet. I sat listening to his breathing deepen slowly. “Jack?” I said quietly.

“Mmm?” came the muffled response. I could almost see him in my mind, his hair mussed, his eyes hooded and sleepy. I imagined lying next to him. I imagined his shirt riding up his stomach. And I imagined how soft the skin there would be to my touch. I stopped imagining.

What the fuck? Where did that come from? Jack was too fucking pretty for his own good. I needed to get laid. 

“Jack?” I said again, quietly. He didn’t respond but I could hear faint breathing. I really should hang up, I thought even as I set the phone down next to me on the desk and continued editing. It felt comforting knowing he was still on the phone. It was almost like he was with me. Almost.

*************************************

It was weeks before I heard from him again. I had watched all the videos he had uploaded, some more than once. I hated to admit it, but I really missed the little Irish dude. I wanted to hear him say my name, acknowledge how much I meant to him. I felt pathetic and needy. What would I do without my #1 fan?  
When I finally got a text from him, I looked at the time and quickly did the math. It was 2 am in Ireland. 

“Suh, dude!” 

“Hey stranger,” I typed, probably too quickly. 

“How does April 1 work for you?”

“Ha. Ha. April Fools, very funny,” I responded.

“No, I’m serious! It’s the only time I can do. I found a ticket for cheap.” A pause and then. “If you can’t, it’s no problem, bro.” 

I didn’t want to admit how excited I felt. “Yeah, I think that should work.” A pause and then I added. “you sure you can come?” 

“Of course! I’ve spent the past few weeks planning this.” 

“how long are you thinking of staying?” Forever? I wanted to ask. 

“That’s what I’m trying to decide. I can’t afford a hotel for too many nights.” 

“stay here!” I was smiling way more than I should have been. 

“You serious? I wouldn’t want to impose. I know how busy you are, and I don’t want to distract you.”

He was so fucking nice. It always took me off guard, though it shouldn’t. I’ve seen the way he interacts with fans and other Youtubers. “don’t even worry about it. I have a spare room. I might even change the sheets for you.” 

“That would be so great!” Then. “The staying with you part.” And then. “Although there’s nothing better than clean sheets.”

“don’t expect too much. the bed is a little lumpy.”

“After a long flight, I don’t think I’ll care where I sleep.”

A thought popped into my head of sleeping in the same bed as him, watching his chest rise and fall, wondering what he’s dreaming about. I shook my head to clear it. 

“of course. we can get some collabs done while you’re here,” I typed.

It was a minute before he responded. “That would be grand. And maybe other non-work related stuff, yeah?”

My heart skipped a beat. “like what?”

“Sightseeing? Hanging out with you.” Then. “And everyone else of course.” 

Of course. Everyone else He wasn’t all mine, I reminded myself. “yeah dude, I’ll be your tour guide around LA.”

“You’re the best!”

“don’t you forget it Jackaboy”

“Oh I love it when you call me pet names ‘darling’”

I was reminded of the night at the restaurant. Seems he remembered too. “and I love it when you pretend like you aren’t trying to feel me up under a table” What was I doing? This was almost flirting. And there were no cameras or friends around to show off for. 

“Guess I’ll have to be more subtle next time.”

Next time.

I didn’t know what to say. I stared at my phone. The three dots came up, then disappeared. Then came up again. 

“I’d better go to sleep dude,” he finally typed. A pause and then “I’ll send you my itinerary when I buy the ticket, yeah?”

“I can pick you up from the airport”

“thanks bro. Night.”

“Night” I turned off my phone. 

Why was this so weird? I chalked it up to me liking the attention Jack gave me. I loved it. The way he admired me even with his millions of subscribers was beyond flattering. And the way he talked to me like I was the only person in the world who mattered made me feel so fucking good. I ignored the feeling that maybe that was how he talked to everyone. Maybe, just maybe, he was a nice guy who made everyone feel special. That was probably the truth. The thought made me so much sadder than it should have.  
*****************************************

The next morning, I woke up to a text from Jack. “Hey sorry about last night. I think I was tired and didn’t really know what I was saying. You’re really grand for having me in April.” 

Why did he have to be so fucking nice? I was the one who had taken it too far. I knew that. He hadn’t meant to touch my leg back at the restaurant, but I’d known exactly what I was doing when I whispered in his ear. He was just teasing when he brought up that I’d called him “darling”, and in response I had tried to provoke him purposefully. I knew Jack wasn’t attracted to me in that way, and it put him in an awkward position every time I brought it up again. 

God I was an asshole. 

I didn’t respond to his text message, which I knew made me even more of an asshole. Whatever. I could just ignore the awkwardness until it went away. That’s worked for me plenty in the past. 

I got up to take a shower, stripping off my shirt and boxers and enjoying the hot water that pelted my skin. April 1 was a few months away. Hopefully that would be enough time to get things back to normal with Jack. And if not, then it would be an awkward week together, and then he’d go back to Ireland, and everything would go back to normal. No biggie either way. 

No regrets.

When I got out of the shower, Jack had texted me again. “Got my ticket! Call me so I can give you the details.”

“let me get dressed first” I texted back. 

“Why, are ya naked?” 

“yeah, actually. Wanna see?” I meant it as a joke, really. But half of me wanted him to say yes. 

“fuck no, gross.” 

“fair enough. your loss.” It really was. My body was fucking amazing, I thought as I looked in the mirror. He’d be lucky to see me. I thought about Jack standing in front of me, admiring me first with his eyes, then with his fingers, then with that little pink tongue of his. I felt a warmth in my stomach that wasn’t unpleasant. I shook my head violently and ran my fingers through my hair. This wasn’t happening. 

I threw on a pair of sweats and a sleeveless t-shirt and went to the kitchen, grabbing some breakfast. What if I just forgot to call him back? What if he didn’t come in April? What if I forgot he existed? Jesus, this little shit had really gotten under my skin, and I barely knew him. He was supposed to be the one obsessed with me, not the other way around.  
I did call him back in the end, and his voice was impossibly chipper and enthusiastic about the visit. He asked what I had planned for us to do, and I told him that I was on it. Which was a lie. I hadn’t thought at all about what to do with him while he was here other than film videos. That was most of our lives anyway. Might as well keep up the same routine. Maybe then I could forget he was even here. 

The weeks passed quickly, and before I knew it, it was March 31 and he was arriving the next day. He’d been asking me endless questions about the trip. I made fun of his excitement, but, in reality, I was looking forward to it too. I just hoped I didn’t fuck it up by making it weird. I seemed to be good at that lately. I reminded myself that it’s just Jack. Just a small Irish gamer with a stupid sense of humor. Harmless. Innocent. Beautiful.

Even though my apartment was pretty clean, I tidied up anyway, changing the sheets in the spare bedroom next to mine, picking up the few things that were left scattered around the apartment. I sat on the couch after I was done and picked up my phone. I rarely texted Jack first, but I was itching to talk to him.

“what do you think about the beach?” I said. Lame, I’m so lame.

“It’s a place where Irish skin goes to die,” came the response. I laughed.

“I forgot that you’re an actual albino. Not everyone can be a golden god like me.”

“Hey! angels are glowing and pale. Like me!”

I couldn’t argue with him on that one. He was as close as earth can get to an angel. I rolled my eyes at myself. That was a pick up line that I wouldn’t even use on a girl I wanted to sleep with, let alone an acquaintance of mine. 

“and yes, by the way, it did hurt when I fell from heaven.” Came his response a moment later. I laughed. 

“What do you need me for if you can answer your own pick up lines?” Why was I so desperate for validation from him?

“Good point. Guess I can go back home from the airport then.” I knew he was joking but my heart stupidly sunk still. 

“Nope, can’t get out of seeing me that easily.”

“Im about to board.”

“I’ll see you on the other side.”

“God I can’t wait to see you,” he texted. I smiled so wide. This was going to be such a good week. 

*******************************************  
I checked the flight at least ten times to make sure it was still on time before I left for the airport. When I got there, he already had his bag and was waiting for me outside. He was wearing sweat pants that were slung down low on his hips, showing the tops of his boxers. His t-shirt was rumpled and looked slept in. He still look exhausted. When he saw me, he visibly lit up and ran toward my car, nearly causing me to hit him. 

I parked and stepped out. He came up to me and wrapped his arms around me in that sincere, unabashed way that only he did. When he hugged me, it was like nothing else mattered except him and me. Except that other things did matter, like the cars honking for us to move. He threw his bag in the back seat and slid into the passenger seat. 

Once I pulled back into traffic, I looked over at Jack. He was smiling so big. “Fucking Markiplier in the flesh again.” 

“That’s a me!” I couldn’t help smiling back. “How was your flight?” 

“Good, man. But I could barely sleep at all, I was so excited.”

“Excited about your vacation?” I hoped he’d say he was excited because of me. 

“Not really a vacation, dude. I plan on filming as many videos as I can with you. Who knows when I’ll be able to rope the great Markiplier into letting me stay with him again?” I looked over at him. He was beaming. Fuck. It was like staring at the sun, and I could barely look away.

“Roping me into it? I think coerced is more like it. You practically forced me to take you in,” I teased. “Plus all the videos I film with you get more views. It’d be bad business not to invite you over again.”

He looked only a little disappointed with my response, but I wasn’t quite sure why. “But if I remember correctly, you promised to be my tour guide? I’m not going to let you forget that.” 

“Of course I am. I have lots of stuff planned for you this week.” That was a fucking lie. I had no idea what we’d be doing. 

“Ooooh! Like what?”

“It’s a surprise.” Another lie. 

“Fine,” he whined, but he was still smiling in my direction. He hadn’t stopped. I felt adored again and it felt so fucking good. Suddenly I didn’t want him to ever leave. I wanted to make the most of every moment with him.

“We’re going to start with the best hamburger you’ve ever had,” I told him, exiting the freeway and pulling into an In N’ Out Burger drive through.

“A drive through? On our first date? You know how to show a boy a good time.” He bit his lip coquettishly. I tried and failed not to look.

“Only the best for my #1.” Before I could register what I was doing, I leaned over and gave him a peck on his cheek. He stopped smiling abruptly and went so still that I thought I might have turned him to stone.

“Mark—“ His tone was too serious. I couldn’t handle it. Why had I done that? So stupid. 

“You have to get it animal style,” I quickly blurted out.

“What?”

“The burger. Get one animal style. It has more of everything on it. And it’s extra meaty.”

“Like me!” Jack was smiling again, though it was a bit more forced.

“Yeah, you’re a real beefcake, for sure.” I rolled my eyes at him and poked under his arm. He giggled adorably. “Ticklish, are we?” 

“Shut up,” he whined. This time he smiled for real: a smile I had been craving, the one only he could wear, the one that one that seemed to shine from the inside out.

We ordered our food to go, and I drove him to my apartment, chatting amiably the whole way. The cheek kissing incident at least momentarily forgotten. I carried Jack’s bag into the apartment and set it on the floor of the living room while Jack put the bag of food on the table. He slipped off his shoes like he was at home, his socks woefully mismatched. I wanted him to feel at home. I felt like he belonged with me here. 

“Plates?” he asked. 

Right, he didn’t live here. I grabbed two plates from the cupboard and set them on the small dining table. 

“I’m so hungry,” he said. “And tired, but I don’t think I could sleep now if I tried.”

“You gotta stay awake until tonight! It’s the only way to get over your jet lag,” I reminded him. Plus, I selfishly wanted him to stay awake for me, to fit his schedule to mine.

“Ugh. Fine. You’re right, as usual. So what’s the plan for tonight?” he asked as he unwrapped his burger and put it on his plate. 

“We’re going to a party. Well, it’s more of a get together for a friend’s birthday. You remember Bryan, right?”

“Yeah! He’s great, and so fucking handsome! Dude’s built like a god,” Jack said, wiggling his eyebrows. Why was I jealous? I reached my arms above my head. “Are you fucking flexing?” Jack said, laughing. 

“What? No!” I said quickly lowering my arms, but I was blushing. 

“You were!” I wanted to smack that stupid smile off his face. “That’s adorable.” 

“I don’t need to compete with anyone. I know what I’ve got.” I rolled up my shirt sleeves and kissed my muscles. 

“Oh, so hot!” Jack fanned himself dramatically. “I was a fool to ever admire the muscles of another.”

“Eat your fucking food, Jack.” I said, making a mental note of what Jack’s smile looked like in this moment as he looked at me so that I could see if he gave this smile to anyone else. I didn’t want him to. I wanted to keep it for myself forever. 

He leaned back, breaking eye contact and taking a bite of his burger. He chewed silently.

“Soooo?” I asked, gesturing toward his burger.

“’s alright,” he said between mouthfuls.

“Just alright?”

“I’ve had better,” he said even as he finished the last part of the burger in a bite. 

“Well, maybe it was cold by the time you ate it. I’ll make sure you like In N Out if it’s the last thing I do.”

“Are you threatening me?” As his mouth curled into a half smile, I memorized every line on his face like it was a map. 

“Maybe. Are you scared?”

“Shaking in my socks, bro.” He leaned back in his chair and rubbed his neck in a sleepy motion. His shirt rode up his stomach, and I caught sight of a trail of hair disappearing into his sweatpants. He was much more hairy than I was. It should have grossed me out, but all I could think about was where that hair led to and how his body would twitch if I ever followed the line down further than his shirt was teasing me with. I didn’t even realize I was staring until I felt his eyes looking curiously at me. He moved his hand down to the band of his pants in a way that could have been construed as a natural motion. He shifted his body up in his chair just enough so that he exposed just a sliver more of his narrow hips. I should look away, I thought. I didn’t. Neither did he. His eyes were sparkling and curious as if he’d just discovered something new and exciting.  
Suddenly my phone dinged and Jack nearly jumped out of his chair. He quickly stood up and started clearing the table. When I was sure his back was turned, I let out a shaky breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding. 

I picked up my phone. It was a text from Mathias confirming the details for that night. I quickly responded. When I trusted myself to stand up, I walked to the kitchen and leaned against the counter, waiting for Jack to finish washing up. 

“Wanna film a bit?” I asked him, breaking the silence. 

“Yeah, for sure!” He smiled, clearly unaffected by whatever had just passed between us. It had probably been nothing, just a figment of my overactive and apparently horny imagination. “Mind if I take a shower really quick before we start? I probably look like such a mess.” 

You really don’t, I thought but I smiled and nodded. I grabbed his bag and showed him his room. “It’s not much, but hey, I changed the sheets like I promised,” I said.

“Nice!” He jumped on the bed and closed his eyes. “Mmmmm. Sleepy.”

“Nope!” I grabbed his hand and hoisted him into a sitting position. “No sleeping yet.”

He whined and swung his feet over the side of the bed so that he was facing me. He looked at me, his head cocked to the side. Like a puppy, I thought. God, I loved the way he looked at me, all wonder and admiration. I smirked at him and in response, his face lit up into a smile. 

“I’m so happy to be here, you have no idea!” he suddenly burst out, rubbing his face and laughing giddily. I couldn’t help but laugh with him. Everything about him was infectious. 

“I’m really glad you’re here too, Sean,” I said with a rare show of sincerity. He seemed to appreciate it because he launched himself into a hug, wrapping his arms around my waist. After an “oof” of surprise, I wrapped my right arm around his shoulders and placed my left hand onto the back of his head. My fingers tangled in his short hair which was so soft that my fingers automatically began rubbing slow circles against his scalp. I swore his breath hitched, but he didn’t move away. If anything, he wrapped his arms even tighter around me until his small body was flush against mine. It was the best hug I’ve ever had, if I was being honest with myself. I never wanted to let go. 

“You massaging my head like that is going to put me to sleep, Mark.” His face was tucked into the crook of my neck so that I felt the words against my skin as much as I heard them. 

“Well, we can’t have that, can we?” I said, but I didn’t stop. My voice was raspy and hoarse though there was no good reason it should have been.

“Nope,” he breathed against my skin. 

Fuck, I needed air. I let go abruptly, my arms going limp at my sides. He slowly let go and I almost groaned at the loss of contact. 

“Towel?” he asked.

“Yeah, of course. Top shelf of the cupboard in the bathroom.” My voice sounded strained and tense. I was annoyed at how normal Jack was acting as he grabbed a bag of toiletries from his suitcase and began to whistle cheerily as he headed toward the bathroom. 

He brushed past me, giving me a bright smile that I returned before he disappeared into the bathroom. Seconds later, the shower turned on and I tried not to think about him in the shower. Tried not to think about how soft his skin would feel once it was exposed completely. Tried not to think about how good it felt to have him in my arms and how I couldn’t imagine him leaving in just a few days. 

**************************

Jack was exhausted. I could see it across all his features, but he still managed to film a video collab together. It was a sauce roulette challenge where if one of us missed a question, we had to drink a mystery sauce (ketchup, ranch dressing, honey, jam, etc). He somehow managed to get all the gross flavors while I got the honey, jam, and the orange juice. He adamantly accused me of cheating, pointing to the camera and asking the audience to vouch for him. His reactions to the flavors amused me to no end, and I had to stop recording multiple times to get my laughter under control. It would make a great video, I could already tell, but more than that, it was the most genuine fun I’d had in a while. 

After we finished recording, it was nearly time to head to the party. Jack’s eyes were noticeably drooping so I smacked him lightly across his face to wake him up.

“Oy! What was that for?” he shouted indignantly.

“Shut up, you like it rough,” I teased.

“Yeah, but we haven’t even agreed on a safe word, baby.” I knew he was joking, but I fucking loved hearing him call me “baby”. 

“We can make it ‘In n’ Out’?” I suggested.

“I don’t think that would be a good one. ‘In and out’ could also sound like something I wanted to do. Like: ‘Oh yeah, baby, fuck me in and out’.” He laughed at his own joke. I didn’t admit to myself that I wanted him to call me “baby” for real. 

“Gross, dude!” I pushed him away playfully. “I’m going to go change for tonight. Don’t fall asleep, ok?”

“I won’t, I won’t,” he said even as he closed his eyes. 

I went to my room and pulled on a pair of tight jeans and the red flannel shirt I wore way too much. Whatever, I knew I looked good in this shirt.

When I got back to the living room, sure enough Jack was sound asleep. His lips were slightly parted and his hands were folded under his cheek like a fucking cartoon character. I didn’t want to wake him, but we were already 15 minutes late for the party, and I knew Bryan would be pissed if we were too late. 

I sat on the couch in front of where he was lying, the way my mom used to when she woke me up in the mornings. I reached out to shake him gently by the shoulder, but somehow my fingers found his hair again. I ran my fingers through his hair, rubbing gently at his scalp. He moaned contentedly.

“Jack, time to wake up,” I said.

“Mark?” he said, still half asleep. “Jus five more minutes, baby, ok?” I shivered.

“Ok darling,” I responded, still rubbing his head. This felt so right. All of this. A thought briefly rushed through my head that maybe I had a crush on Jack, but I dismissed it quickly. I was straight. And Jack was definitely straight. He just broke up with his girlfriend recently, and before that, I was pretty sure he’d had another girlfriend. I reminded myself that every time he flirted with me, it was all an act. Teasing each other because it was funny. There was nothing more to it. Anything else was all my imagination. Realizing this, I pulled away from him abruptly, causing him to stir. 

“We gotta go, dude,” I said, more coldly than I meant it. 

“Yeah, of course, sorry. Didn’t mean to actually fall asleep.” He rubbed his eyes sleepily. His hair was sticking straight up on end. It made me smile.

When we got to the party, it was already in full swing. Bryan, drunk, approached us with a confident saunter. 

“Markipoo! And Jacksepticeye!” He threw his arms (and part of his drink) around us and hugged us tightly. “I’m ‘s glad you guys are here!”

“Yeah man! Happy birthday!” Jack said, smiling brightly. I looked closely at the smile. It wasn’t the one he gave me earlier. I felt smug.

“Thaaaanks! I’m old now,” Bryan said matter-of-factly before seeing someone he knew and wandering off. 

I smiled at Jack and he returned one. His smile for me. 

I saw Ken and waved him over. This time Jack’s smile was even bigger. Ken was someone he actually knew, probably as well as he knew me. It annoyed me.

He wrapped his arms around Ken’s waist, the way he had done before with me. I was being so stupid. Jack was just a friendly guy. I had no right to be possessive of him. 

“Where’s your drink, Jack?” Ken asked, breaking off the hug. 

“I just got here, bro! But if you lead me to the drink, I’ll be happy to live up to my Irish nature and drink all of ya under the table.”

I knew Jack didn’t like to drink much, but he loved to brag about how if he did, he could out-drink everyone. I had a suspicion that that wasn’t true at all. Ken led Jack over to the drinks, and I wandered around to find Mathias who was there with Amanda who was quite pregnant and glowing beautifully. 

I went straight for Amanda and hugged her tightly but gently. 

“No hug for me?” Mathias asked with a fake pout. I shook my head.

“I have to hug Amanda for two now so I don’t know if I have another one in me for you, man.”  
Amanda laughed and handed me a bottle of water, knowing that I couldn’t drink. I smiled at her gratefully. God, why couldn’t I find someone just like her? She was sweet, beautiful, considerate, funny. Like Jack. I pushed the thought down. 

“Ah dude, looks like someone beat me to it. I just got this for you,” Jack said, walking up next to me with Ken by his side. He was holding his drink in one hand and a bottle of water in the other. 

“I’ll take both! I’m thirsty,” I said. 

“Mark is thirsty AF,” Ken shouted drunkenly. Ain’t that the fucking truth, I thought. I jabbed him with one of the bottles. 

“I don’t think we’ve met,” Amanda said to Jack, stepping forward. She reached forward to shake his hand, but Jack went in for a hug. Such a hug slut, I thought, but there was no malice in the thought. 

“I’m a hugger, sorry,” Jack said, smiling widely. 

“Me too!” Amanda said smiling and squeezing Jack back. It was the purest thing I’d seen in a while. 

Jack had so many questions for Amanda about her pregnancy, which she seemed only too excited to answer. I noticed that Ken kept refilling Jack’s drink. I got worried, knowing that he was tired and probably hadn’t eaten enough to soak up the alcohol. But I reminded myself that he was his own person and could take care of himself. But still. I was allowed to worry. 

“Beer pong!” Bryan shouted to the entire room. Jack laughed and admitted to Amanda that he’d never actually played it to his utter shame. 

“Dude, you gotta!” I said to him. “You can be on my team if you want.” God, I sounded like I was in elementary school trying to impress the cool kid. Who was I kidding, Jack was the cool kid. He stumbled slightly over to the table set up with cups of beer and ping pong balls. I reached out my arm to steady him, but he was fine. Of course he was. He didn’t need me to fret over him. Why did I think he did?

The teams turned out to be Jack, Ken, and me vs. Mathias, Bryan, and Joey. Of course, Jack was amazing at the game, even as tipsy as he was. I noticed that Jack had a habit of putting himself down in his videos, but he really was so good at everything he put his mind to. I felt like telling the world about how amazing he was. I felt so proud to be his friend. 

“That’s how you do it!” Jack was raising his arms to the ceiling and smiling from ear to ear. Ken clapped him on the back while Bryan pretended to weep into his hands.

“Couldn’t have even let me win on my birthday?” he said, pretending hurt. 

Jack rushed over to him and gave him a hug, saying, “There, there. Maybe if you didn’t suck so many hairy balls, you’d win next time.” Everyone laughed. 

“Oh yeah? Well how about this?” Bryan picked Jack up as he squirmed to get away and pushed him toward the giant cooler which had housed the drinks but now just held melted ice and cold water. I straightened up and fought the urge to interfere. It was just a joke. Bryan set a flailing Jack down into the cooler, soaking his chest and legs. Jack let out a shocked gasp and quickly jumped out. His shirt and pants clung to him and he was shivering. I rushed over, ready to give him the shirt off my back. Literally. But Amanda was there with a towel (where she got a towel, I have no idea). She wrapped him in it and looked at me as the only other sober person in the room. “Take him home,” she mouthed in my direction.

Jack was laughing despite the prank. “Well, that sobered me up right quick. Thanks Bryan! How about a hug to thank you?” Bryan shrieked and ran away from a dripping Jack. As Jack ran past me, I stuck an arm out and stopped his progress. 

“Alrighty, Jackaboy. Time for you to sleep this off,” I said, smiling at him. He looked at me and smiled back, clearly having a great time. 

“Awww, alright,” he whined, but I could tell he was somewhat grateful to get back and get dried off and sleep.

We said goodbye to everyone, and walked out to my car. 

“Oh fuck, I can’t get your car wet,” he said holding his door open. 

“Don’t worry about it, just put the towel on the seat,” I said. 

“No, no. My jeans will soak through, I know it!” His words were slurred. Suddenly he perked up and began taking off his pants and shirt. 

“The fuck are you doing? Jack, stop.” He looked at me, confused and half dressed, his shirt off, the fly of his pants undone, his hair a mess. He looked like he just got fucked. 

“What?” he asked, innocently. He finished taking off his pants until he stood in front of me in just his boxers. He was slim but wiry. His skin was pale and nearly glowed in the darkness. I swallowed heavily. Fuck, he really didn’t know what he was doing. To him, I was just a buddy. This was no big deal. 

“Just get in, you soaked rat,” I said in as teasing a way as I could manage. 

He smiled and wrapped his wet clothes in the towel before slipping into the passenger’s seat. 

“That was so much fun!” he said, smiling so wide it hurt to look at him. “I wish I had friends like this back home.” 

“You’re welcome back any time,” I said. I really meant that he should never leave.

“Aww thanks, dude. You’re the fucking best.” He leaned his chair back and closed his eyes. I felt only a little guilty staring at him from the driver’s seat. He was fucking perfect. 

By the time we got home, he was asleep. I felt bad waking him for the second time that night, but he couldn’t sleep in the car. I shook his shoulder gently. The skin under my fingers was so soft. I resisted the urge to rub his shoulders. 

His eyes fluttered open. They were an ice blue and looked right at me. Almost through me. “I wish you were real,” he breathed out in a daze before closing his eyes again.

“Hmm?” I said in barely a whisper. 

He reached out for my hand blindly and brought it up to his face, placing it on his cheek. My thumb brushed against his lips, and he opened his mouth like I’d asked him to. His tongue darted out to lick my thumb. He was asleep, I reminded myself. He doesn’t know what he’s doing. But I felt my pants become tighter and my heartbeat start to race. He leaned forward only slightly, enough to wrap his lips around my thumb. This really shouldn’t be as arousing as it was.  
I pulled my hand away and pressed it to the front of my pants. I needed to get control of myself. This was ridiculous. 

“Jack, you gotta get up and go to sleep,” I said, trying to normalize my breathing and stop my heart from racing. He sat up slowly, rubbing his head. 

“What time is it, baby?” he asked, his head lolling back to the side to look at me sleepily. 

He wasn’t making this easy. I couldn’t help saying, “I love it when you call me that.” I leaned my head back against the headrest and stared at him. It felt like an intimate moment. I soaked it in. He’d be too sober and too awake tomorrow to repeat this moment again. 

“Yeah?” his chest rose and fell slightly more rapidly. With no fabric covering his chest, I felt like could almost see his heart. In one motion, he sat up and leaned forward until his forehead was touching mine. He was breathing heavily. So was I. “Mark—“ He licked his lips. I followed the movement with my eyes, wishing that I could follow it with my tongue. “I fucking can’t stop thinking about you,” he whispered.

Shit. I didn’t move. Stopped breathing. I didn’t know what to say. I should tell him that I felt the same. I should tell him that I wanted to kiss him more than anything else in this moment. 

But I didn’t. I kept my mouth shut and just opened the car door without a word. 

“Fuck.” I heard Jack say loudly as I shut the car door behind me, and I glimpsed him hitting the dashboard in frustration (with me? with himself? I didn’t know) before exiting the car. He seemed to be aware suddenly of how little clothing he was wearing. He wrapped the towel around himself and held his wet clothes in his hands, following me into the apartment. 

I said goodnight to him quickly and headed to my room, closing the door behind me. 

No regrets right? 

That’s the way I lived my life.

But I suddenly regret not telling him that I couldn’t stop thinking about him too.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Preview: “Jack,” I said softly. He looked up, his eyes wide, his face a book of emotions that was painfully easy to read. “I can’t— I don’t think I feel the same way.“ I lied.

CHAPTER 2 

The next day, Jack woke up before me, getting into the shower just as I was opening my eyes. The events of last night washed over me and settled in the pit of my stomach. I was such an idiot, taking advantage of Jack’s inebriated state. Everyone gets emotional and sentimental when they are drunk, and I pushed Jack to say things he didn’t mean just because I felt jealous of the attention he gave other people. He didn’t belong to me. I had no right to be possessive of him. 

I delayed getting out of bed for as long as I could, checking twitter until I heard the shower turn off and the bathroom door open. It wasn’t long before I heard Jack whistling cheerily from the kitchen. The sound of banging pots and pans soon accompanied and I heard Jack loudly shush them. I smiled despite myself. Maybe he didn’t even remember last night. I was pretty sure he wasn’t that drunk in the car, but he was so tired that I doubt he had been in his right mind at all. 

Reluctantly, I got out of bed, feeling like I was the one who was hungover, rather than Jack. I threw on a t-shirt and sweatpants and headed into the kitchen. Jack was already fully dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. He stood over the stove, dancing and humming animatedly, stirring what looked like scrambled eggs. Coffee was already brewed, and I saw that there were two mugs placed on the counter, ready for use.

“Looks like someone’s a morning person,” I said loudly. Jack yelped and turned around, spatula in hand, bits of egg flying across the kitchen. I laughed and pretended to wipe egg off my face. 

“Jesus, you scared me!” Jack said, smiling and turning back to keep stirring. “How’d you sleep? I made coffee!” 

“Pretty good. And thanks,” I said and poured myself a cup. I took a sip. It was like drinking tar: it was so strong. I made a face which Jack saw.

“Sorry! I always make it too strong. It’s how I like it. Fuck, I’m really sorry.” Jack rushed over to pour out the grounds and start another batch. I put my hand on his shoulder to stop him. 

“Hey, hey. It’s totally fine, dude. Relax,” I tried to reassure him. Jack looked up at me, traces of nervousness touching his eyes. So he did remember. Or at least he remembered some of it. 

“S-sorry,” he mumbled and turned back to whatever he was cooking. My heart sank. I felt terrible. More to distract myself than anything else, I went to the cupboard and grabbed two slices of bread to make toast. 

“How’d you sleep?” I ventured. 

Jack bit his lip nervously. “Like a log, man. I was so fucking tired. I don’t even remember falling asleep to be honest.” 

“Good, I’m glad. That bed can be a little lumpy. At least that’s what my stepmom told me. She made me switch beds with her when she and my dad came to visit.” Jack laughed, a real one this time. I felt relieved. 

“It is pretty lumpy,” Jack admitted, teasingly. “But in a good way. Like being massaged by a bunch’a tiny golf balls.”

“You do love balls,” I said.

“Oh! Looks like someone’s been watching my Happy Wheels videos!” He looked smug.

“Or your porn tapes,” I said. Why did I say that? Stupid. Jack just rolled his eyes. 

When we sat down to breakfast, I thought about bringing up last night. A part of me wanted to know what he remembered, if anything. Another part of me wanted to forget anything ever happened. Yet another part of me wanted to continue the conversation. Find out what he says sober.

“What’s the plan for today?” Jack asked abruptly. I briefly wondered if his thoughts felt as tumultuous as mine. 

“To be honest, I’m not sure. I do have a lot of work to get done today.” 

Jack looked disappointed. “Oh. Hmmm. Well, I don’t know if I want to film all day. But I totally understand if you need to. Do what you gotta do, man. If you want, we can film a video and then I can go hang out with Ken or something, see if he’s busy. That way I’ll get out of your hair for the day.” He looked at me, waiting for me to stop him.

I wanted him to stay with me all day. To watch me film. To look at me with those adoring puppy dog eyes like he always did. I didn’t want him to leave. Still, I found myself saying that he can do whatever he wants, and I’ll just meet up with him later. Jack rubbed a hand through his hair and looked almost on the verge of tears. Or maybe that was just my imagination. Maybe I wanted him to cry over me. Wanted him to get on his knees and beg me to hang out with him, like he was just some pathetic fan. 

God, I was such an asshole. I didn’t deserve someone like Jack as a friend.

“Yeah, for sure. Cool. I’ll text Ken then,” Jack said, his tone sounding unnaturally forced. He cleared his plate. I noticed that he’d barely eaten anything. “I was thinking of what kind of challenge video to make, but I’m shite at thinking of new ideas.” He looked at me expectantly, hoping I’d take the bait and break the tension. 

I shrugged my shoulders. “Maybe Ken will have an idea. You can ask him when you see him today.” 

I looked over to see him leaning against the sink, his arms crossed. “Mark, we need to talk about last night.”

Fuck. I looked away from him. 

“I don’t want to mess up anything about our friendship just because I fucked up last night,” he said quietly. 

He fucked up? 

“I could blame it on being tired and drunk but we both know that’s not all it was. I meant what I said, but I sure as fuck shouldn’t have said it out loud.” Jack was shifting his weight from foot to foot nervously. I stood up and hopped up onto the kitchen counter opposite of where he was standing. 

“Jack, I--” I began but didn’t know what to say. I really didn’t. 

“No, stop. Please don’t. I’m already embarrassed and vulnerable. You don’t have to say anything to try to make me feel better.” 

In my mind, I imagined hopping off the counter and wrapping my arms around him, telling him how much he meant to me, how I would do anything for him if he were mine. How hard I was falling for him. But I’m an idiot. And I’m scared and too cautious when it comes to my own emotions, so I stupidly said nothing and sat where I was, just looking at Jack, wishing I weren’t such a fucking coward. 

“I shouldn’t have brought it up,” he said running a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry. I understand if you can’t be my friend anymore.”

I laughed out loud. “Seriously? I can’t imagine not having you as a friend.” At least that was a bit of honesty. 

He brightened slightly. “I know you’re not gay, Mark. Trust me, I do. And I’m not even sure yet if I am gay or bi or anything like that; it’s just that— I can’t shake this feeling that I’m missing something by not being with a guy. Or at least trying it. It’s always felt normal—the thought of dating a guy. As normal as dating a girl. I dunno.” 

He scuffed his sock against the wood floors. His face was ten shades of red, and he refused to look me in the eyes. I was somewhat relieved. I didn’t want him to see my eyes. Didn’t want to show him that that’s exactly how I felt too. The only difference was that I only felt that about Jack. I’d never been interested in or even attracted to another guy. I was beginning to wonder if I’d ever felt this way about anyone before. 

“Jack,” I said softly. He looked up, his eyes wide, his face a book of emotions that was painfully easy to read. “I can’t— I don’t think I feel the same way.“ I lied.

Jack flinched before immediately pasting a smile onto his lips; a fake one, I noticed. “Yeah, yeah. No, I know that. I didn’t mean that you would feel the same. Obviously, why would you? I just wanted to explain myself so that things weren’t awkward. Although I’m pretty sure I made things even more awkward regardless. God, I hope we can still be cool after this. Please tell me I didn’t fuck everything up. I swear to God I won’t mention anything about any of this again, sober or drunk.” I was pretty sure he said all this without stopping to take a breath. 

“Of course, we’re still friends, ya dumbass.” I tried for a smile. “And I support you no matter who you are, Jackaboy. Straight, gay, alien, whatever.” 

“Thanks, Mark. That really means a lot to hear. I’m so relieved,” he said. A smile, a real one, the one he saved for me, crossed his face as he looked up at me. 

I smiled back at him and then looked away. It was too much. All of this. A part of me wished he hadn’t come, but a bigger part of me never wanted him to leave.

“I’ll go call up Ken, then, yeah?” he said, reaching for his phone on the table. 

Oh yeah. I forgot. I’d basically told him to fuck off and hang out with one of my friends. Thinking fast, I asked him just to invite Ken over to hang out. Maybe we could all record together, I suggested. Anything, just please don’t leave me, I thought. 

He seemed to like that idea as he texted Ken to come over when he had time. 

“Done! He’ll be over with his girlfriend at 6 and then we can order dinner and film some stuff,” Jack said. “In the meantime, do you want to maybe hang out a little? Or I can get lost if that’s better.” He laughed nervously.

“Fuck it, man, there’s plenty of time for work later. Let’s hang out. I’ll take you to the Santa Monica Pier.” 

Jack brightened. “Yeah? That would be awesome.”

“Of course. Let me get dressed and we’ll leave,” I said. He nodded and looked down at his shoes. I walked over to him slowly and lifted his chin with my finger. Obediently, he looked up at me like he and I were the only people in the universe in this moment. My breath hitched as I asked him, “Are you sure you’re okay?”

He nodded. “A—are you?” 

I considered the question for a moment. “Yeah, absolutely. As far as I’m concerned, nothing has changed between us. You’ll always be my—friend, Jack.”

“God, I hope so. I really look up to you, man. I can’t imagine doing YouTube or anything without you.”  
In a rush of spontaneity, I leaned forward and kissed his forehead gently. He leaned into me. “I’m not going anywhere,” I told him. It was the truth. No matter what, I never wanted to lose him. I wanted to protect him and cherish him like he deserved. I wanted him all to myself, but more importantly, I wanted him to be happy, and as much as I hated to admit it, I knew I wasn’t the person who was going to do that. Reluctantly, I moved my finger away from his chin. 

“Ok, enough of that mushy stuff,” Jack said, laughing lightly. “Go get dressed, Mister Tour Guide.” 

I smiled at him and went to my room. Once I’d shut the door, I leaned against the door and took a deep breath. My head swam with a thousand different emotions, not the least of which was the aching feeling in my chest like I was fucking things up with the first person I could ever see myself falling in love with. Fuck, how did this guy get under my skin so bad in such a short amount of time? I couldn’t shake him and, what’s more, I didn’t want to. 

I was so fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am loving writing this, but comments keep me fueled to keep going!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Going out turned out to be a great idea for both of us. Almost as soon as we arrived at the pier, we were recognized by some fans. They were sweet and wanted pictures with both of us. Part of me was relieved that we had fans as a buffer out here in public, just like there was a buffer when we filmed videos and did panels. It made everything seem clear and understandable. Our flirting was just for show again. Our feelings for each other just a joke to over exaggerate for the sake of comedy.   
In between meeting fans and taking pictures, we chatted pleasantly. Everything felt like it was back to normal. I felt like I could pretend that we really were only friends and nothing more. 

By the time we left, it was nearing six o’clock, and we rushed back to the apartment just before Ken and his girlfriend, Mary, arrived. Again, I found myself relieved that we didn’t need to spend time alone just yet. I didn’t trust myself around him alone. 

Jack greeted the couple enthusiastically at the door, hugging Ken tightly and introducing himself to Mary who also greeted Jack with a tight hug. Jack invited them in like it was his apartment. The thought made me happy as I imagined an alternate universe where it really was our home, where Jack was the first thing I saw every morning and the last thing I saw every night. My stomach tightened longingly.

Once we were all settled in, Mary suggested we do a cooking challenge. Each of us would make a family recipe. She volunteered to be the judge, of course. 

“Yes! Time for the Irish to triumph once again!” Jack gloated, already writing down a list of ingredients that he needed for the recipe. 

“Um, I beg to differ. As you know, the Koreans are renowned for their culinary expertise,” I countered, beginning my own shopping list.

“I should be filming this. You guys are adorable,” Mary said. Jack beamed at her and agreed that he was adorable and thanked her for pointing it out. I rolled my eyes at him and grabbed my camera from my filming room, showing Mary quickly how to use it. 

Ken was struggling to think of something that he could cook. “Why do I have no culture?” he shouted at the ceiling, shaking his fists. Jack and I both laughed as Mary filmed the breakdown. When he finally thought of something—or rather, called his mom and she thought of something—he jotted down the recipe so that we could make our way to the grocery store and pick up all the ingredients. 

On the ride there, Jack and I sat in the back seat while Ken drove and Mary filmed. We had just one awkward moment where I went to rest my arm automatically on the empty middle seat between us just as Jack did the same. Our hands brushed briefly. We both flinched and pulled our hands away like we’d been burned. Mary saw the exchange and gave me a quizzical look. 

Jack decided to make up the rules for the challenge:  
1\. We had $20 each to spend on ingredients. If we went over, we were automatically disqualified.  
2\. Each person could come up with one mystery ingredient for the other two to include in their dish. If they didn’t include it, they were disqualified.   
3\. We had one hour to make our dish and serve it in front of Mary. All of us also had to cook in the same tiny apartment kitchen at the same time.   
4\. Sabotage is encouraged, so watch your back.   
5\. May the best Irishman win. 

With this last rule, Ken reached back and smacked Jack playfully. Jack giggled and his entire face scrunched up into a smile, the way it always did. He was so full of happiness. It was contagious to everyone around him. 

The three of us lined up in front of the store, battle faces ready. I made a note to add western music in the background during editing. I could even add a tumbleweed passing by as the camera panned in front of our carts. 

Jack said that we had just ten minutes to gather all the ingredients. And with an “on your mark, get set, go!” we were off. 

Ten minutes went by like a blur. I was under budget but knew that I had forgotten at least one of two ingredients. I had, however, managed to grab a secret ingredient for Jack and Ken to include in their dishes: Brussel sprouts. I smiled with my own deviousness. 

“Yesss!” I heard from the checkout aisle next to me. It was Ken who apparently came in just pennies under budget. I saw Jack already checked out, holding two full bags of groceries and sitting down in front of the store, relaxed. 

I grabbed my bags and walked outside. “How the hell did you do that so fast?” I asked him as Ken came out to join us.

“I shall never reveal my secrets!” he said smugly. “And I was five dollars under!” 

I balked at him. Fucking Irishman. 

The ride home was spent trash-talking and heckling. I tried to get Jack and Ken to tell me their secret ingredients that I had to use, but they refused. Once we got back, we set all our ingredients on the kitchen, leaving our secret ingredients in the bag until the tripod was set up with the camera recording. Once it was, I began the video.

“Hello everyone, my name is Markiplier. Today I am joined by some very special guests: Ken, Mary, and, all the way from Ireland, the one and only Jacksepticeye!” Ken gave a little wave while Jack bowed theatrically. I introduced the challenge to the camera and then asked for a drumroll so that we could show our secret ingredient. 

I pulled the Brussel sprouts out of the shopping bag. Ken through his hands up. “I’m out! How am I supposed to put Brussel sprouts in mac and cheese?” I shrugged and smirked menacingly.

“Yes!” Jack yelled excitedly. “I love Brussel sprouts.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I asked, laughing. “No! I tried so hard to sabotage you.” 

Jack just laughed. 

Ken was next. Out of his bag, he pulled a packet of skittles. 

“Wait, what?” Jack and I asked at the same time. 

“I forgot until I got to the register so I had to improvise!” Ken defended himself. 

“I can work with Skittles,” I said, and Jack nodded too. 

Both Ken and I looked to Jack expectantly. 

Jack smiled mischievously. “Well, I figured Ken’s mac and cheese could use a little something extra, soooo.” He opened his bag to reveal a can of sardines.

Ken threw his hands up in the air once again. “What the fuck? How am I supposed to do this?”

I smiled widely. “I can totally work with this!” Fish sauce is one of the ingredients of kimchi anyway.

Ken leaned on the table in seeming defeat. “You guys are working together to sabotage me, aren’t you? I give up.” He pouted toward the camera.

Jack walked over to Ken and pulled his head down to rest on his chest in a consoling manner. “Aww my poor baby,” Jack said teasingly.

“Shut the fuck up, man,” Ken said, laughing and swatting Jack away.

I tried not to show the fact that it bothered me the way he’d called Ken “baby” too, even he was only joking. I really needed to stop being so possessive. 

Mary started the timer, and the three of us started to work, occasionally stopping to narrate what we were doing as if we were on an episode of Chopped. Jack was making a stew that smelled amazing despite the Brussel sprouts that he’d tossed into the pot. Ken had significantly more trouble with his mac and cheese. At one point, I swore I heard him mumble that crunchy noodles were a good thing anyway. 

I still had no doubt that I’d win. I’d made this recipe a hundred times with my family and by myself. I used some of the juice from the sardine can to flavor the pot and scattered the shell of a skittle over the top of the sauce, just to say that I included it. 

The timer rang just as I was putting a scoop of kimchi into a bowl. I looked over to see Jack already finished, sitting down at the table with Mary. Ken stood in the center of the kitchen holding what looked like yellow soup in a casserole dish. A few sardines and skittles were sprinkled over the top of the dish. He hung his head in shame as we all laughed good naturedly.

Mary sniffed Ken’s dish but refused to actually take a bite. So it was down to Jack and I. We gave each other our best battle faces from across the table until we both started to giggle uncontrollably. 

In the end, Jack won, that bastard. I protested, but as I took a bite of his stew I admitted that it was really damn good and conceded the victory to him. He took a bite of my kimchi and claimed that it was just as good and should’ve won. God, he was so nice. 

I did my outro and we all sat in the living room, deciding to spend the rest of the night watching a movie since it was already too late to go out and do anything else. No one could decide on a movie so we all just lay down and started talking. First about YouTube and then about life and then about nothing at all. The later it got, the more ridiculous and deep the conversation got. 

“What’s your biggest regret?” Ken asked the group.

“That’s easy,” Mary said. “Not experimenting more in college.” She winked at Ken who cocked an eyebrow at her.

“I think that’s my biggest regret too, or at least that I wasn’t there to see it.” She rolled her eyes at Ken before he kissed her deeply. Jack and I both looked away. Jack swallowed, bit his lip, and smiled in a way that made my heart flutter. 

“How about you, Jack?” I said, sitting up straighter on the couch so I could look at Jack better. He was lying across the armchair, his shirt riding up his stomach, his feet draped over one armrest and his neck and shoulders hanging over the other. He cocked his head at me. 

“Of course I have regrets,” he said. Since Ken and Mary were still attached at the lips, he was looking only at me. 

“Like what?” I prompted. The air felt thick.

Jack seemed to be considering what to say. He opened his mouth to talk before shutting it again and shaking his head. “I wish that I’d kissed y—kissed a guy.”

Mary detached herself from her boyfriend and looked brightly up at Jack. “Yaaas, bi-curious for the win!” She reached up to high-five Jack, who laughed and high-fived her back. 

“So you’ve never kissed a guy?” she asked.

Jack shook his head and smiled shyly. 

“What better time than now?” she asked. Jack looked at me so directly and with such intensity that my heart started beating faster. “Ken?” Mary suddenly was pulling Ken off the couch toward Jack. “You wanna do the honors?” 

Ken laughed heartily. “Hell yeah!” he said. “I get the honor of making out with the great Jacksepticeye. If only the fangirls could see this.” 

I wanted to pull him back. I wanted to speak up that I should be the one to kiss him first and last and always. I wanted to strangle Ken for even thinking that he could touch Jack without my permission. 

But I didn’t do anything. My shoulders tensed but I didn’t move, even as Jack sat up in his chair to face Ken who was on his knees in front of Jack. 

Jack looked at me nervously as if asking me if this was ok. I wanted to scream at him that it wasn’t ok. But I couldn’t because I had nothing to stop him from kissing someone else. 

He was his own person, not mine. I’d made sure of that. 

I watched helplessly as Ken leaned forward to press his lips to Jack’s briefly, almost chastely. It was over in a moment, but it was enough for me to feel sick to my stomach. 

“That was fucking cool!” Jack was saying animatedly. “I felt your beard and stuff.” 

Ken looked pleased with himself. “Makes a difference when it’s a real man, huh?”

Jack rolled his eyes. I noticed that he was staunchly avoiding looking at me in the eye. Was it that obvious how I felt? Did he feel guilty? A part of me hoped he did, hoped that the feeling was eating him up inside.

Ken must’ve felt me glaring at his back because he turned around and saw the expression on my face. He gave me a knowing smirk which just made me glare harder. 

Soon after, he stretched his arms and stood up. “Well, my work here is done. I’ve successfully turned Jack gay.”

“You fucking wish,” Jack said, standing up and giving Ken a hug, wrapping his arms tightly around him. Mary came up behind him and gave both of them a hug. Ken walked, the three of them still attached, over to me and dragged me up from the couch into this weird hug circle. I laughed, forcing myself to snap out of my moodiness and enjoy the moment. 

Once they left, Jack and I settled onto the couch, he at one side and me at the other. He was looking at me while I stared straight ahead. 

“You never answered the question,” he said pointedly.

“What question?” 

“Regrets. What do you regret?” 

You, I wanted to say. Instead, I said, “I don’t really have any. I live my life without regrets.” 

“Not even one?” he asked me, like he knew I was lying. He inched closer to me. It was a dangerous move. We both knew it. 

I shook my head. 

He looked at me like he wasn’t going to let this go. 

“Fine,” I said. “I regret moving to L.A. sometimes.” He cocked his head curiously, prompting me to continue. “It’s not that I don’t like it here, it’s just that I miss my old life. It was simple and easy, and there was no pressure to succeed and no worrying about letting people down.”

“Do you think you let people down now?” Jack asked softly.

I shook my head. “Not usually, but sometimes. I don’t want my fans to be disappointed.”

Jack smiled. “Well, as your #1 fan, I can say that I don’t think that anyone is disappointed with you.”

I beamed at him. “My number one fan, huh? How are you feeling now? In the same room, on the same couch, with your idol?” Jack smirked at me. God, he was so fucking adorable. 

He looked down shyly and said, “It’s hard to believe. Like seriously. A year ago, I never imagined this.”

I tried not to let him know how much this meant to me: his admiration. I wanted him to adore me like this forever. 

“Mark—come to Ireland,” he said suddenly, biting his lip.

“I want to,” I said. I meant it too. 

“You could stay with me. I don’t have an extra room, but I have a couch,” he said, shifting slightly so that he was closer to me. We were less than an arm’s length apart now. 

“That would be awesome,” I said, suddenly having trouble catching my breath. This little fucker had that effect on me. 

“You’re not just saying this right? I’m not one of those people who says things lightly. Like—let’s hang out—and then it never happens. If you say you’re coming, then you’re coming, ok?” 

I shifted on the couch so that I was facing him, so he’d know I was serious. I placed both hands on each side of his face. “Jack, if I say I’m going to come, then I will. I promise. After all, I can’t disappoint my #1 fan, can I?” 

He smiled widely and launched himself into a hug. With an “oof” I caught him as he practically lay on top of me, wrapping his arms around my chest. “I could fucking kiss you right now. I’m so happy,” he said.

“You already kissed one guy tonight, why not another?” I joked, but I wasn’t joking. He laughed and I felt the rumble of his laugh against my chest. I wrapped my arms around him just as he was starting to move off me. He stilled for a moment before settling himself against me, his head resting on my chest, his arms snaked around me. I stretched my legs   
out so that almost every part of me was touching every bit of him. It felt so right that I almost wanted to cry. I put my hand up to his head, hesitantly before running my fingers through his . The last thing I wanted was to scare him away. 

“Why can’t two bros cuddle like this all the time?” Jack asked. I felt rather than saw the smile on his face.

Right. Bros. That’s what we were. “Right??” I said. “Cuddling is awesome.” 

“Am I crushing you?” Jack asked. I thought I heard a touch of nervousness in his tone. 

I shook my head even though he couldn’t see. “You weigh practically nothing, dude. All skin and bones.”

“Shut the fuck up,” he said, wiggling and poking me. 

Fuck. Him wiggling was a bad idea. I stopped breathing, willing myself to calm down. Maybe he didn’t notice anything, I thought. He shifted up just slightly, enough to where his leg rubbed up against me. I felt that he was half hard through his jeans. I gripped his hair involuntarily and jerked my hips up against him. It was a stupid, cave-man reaction, but I couldn’t help it. I needed to feel how turned on he was. It made me feel better about the urge I was feeling to fuck him right there on that couch. 

“Fuck, Mark,” he said, unwrapping himself from around me and sitting up. I immediately missed him and cursed my own stupid reaction. “I am so sorry. I wasn’t even thinking. God, I’m so stupid.” He ran a shaky hand through his hair. 

“Just two bros, dude. No worries,” I said, trying to make a joke out of the situation. I looked over at him. He looked so fucking good: his hair standing up in all directions, his shirt rumpled, and a blush spreading from his neck to his cheeks. He looked so damn fuckable. I couldn’t look away. 

“Shut up,” he said, laughing nervously. “You’re just trying to make me feel better.”

“I mean it,” I said. “Don’t even worry about it.” 

He stood up from the couch, facing me. My eyes wandered down his slim body. He was breathing hard and I could faintly see the outline of him through his jeans. Fuck. I wanted to pull him back on the couch with me. I looked back up at his face which was blushing redder than I thought possible. 

“Good night, Mark. Let’s just forget this ever happened, yeah?”

“Jack, stop—“ But he was already on his way to his room. 

I sat on the couch for several minutes, collecting my thoughts and calming myself down before I went after him to apologize. 

When I finally did get up, I stood outside his door for several moments, willing myself to knock, but not knowing what I’d say when he answered. Just as my hand reached up to knock, I heard a soft moan from inside the room.

I froze. 

I imagined Jack on the bed, his pants around his ankles, his hand wrapped around himself. I wanted to be there, and I knew that I could be if I weren’t such a fucking coward. I imagined that it was my mouth doing those things to him, making him make those slutty sounds. My cock twitched in my pants. I couldn’t do this. It was wrong and a violation of his privacy.

“Baby, yeah,” I heard him say faintly. 

Shit. I needed to leave before I did something stupid. I quietly, so quietly retreated to my bedroom, locking the door behind me before stripping down and lying on my bed. Once there, I lay on my bed and wrapped my hand around myself, jerking my hips up to match my hand’s thrust and wishing that I had just told him that I wanted him when I had the chance. 

When I finished, I wiped off my hand on my sheets (because apparently, I was a fucking Neanderthal), but I couldn’t sleep. Jack was only here for another couple days, and as much as I didn’t dare admit it to myself, the thought of him leaving tore me apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gah, Mark is such an idiot, but I love him. Chapter 4 coming soon!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack has to go back to Ireland. Mark has to get over Jack.

Chapter 4

The next two days went by in a blur of activities. I was careful to make sure that no matter what, we were almost always with other people: usually Ken and sometimes Matthias and the rest of Team Edge. We filmed often and went out with friends, but I knew things were tense between us. I hated that everything felt forced with him, but I would be lying if I wasn't relieved that he hadn't brought up anything about that night, the one where I'd basically dry humped him on the couch when all he'd wanted to do was cuddle. 

I was trying my hardest to get over him. It was like we had broken up even though he was never mine to begin with. To be fair, he seemed to be doing the same, a fact which made me feel better about my own tumultuous emotions. He talked to me about YouTube and about other safe topics, but neither of us broached anything close to a deep conversation. Ken seemed to notice because he pulled me aside the night before Jack's last day in LA. We were at a bar hanging out with several other YouTubers. Jack was with Bryan, Ryan, and Matt, and all four of them appeared to be slightly tipsy. 

"You gotta be nicer to Jack," Ken said to me. I snorted. "I'm serious! He came all the way across the world to see you, and you're treating him like a stranger." 

I didn't respond, instead taking a sip of my coke. I glared at him. "He didn't come to see me," I lied. 

He gave me a look. "You and I both know he did. That kid is half in love with you, Mark, and you're being an asshole."

My eyes widened as I looked at him in shock. "What the fu--"

"Don't try to act like you're surprised. You've been fucking with his emotions this whole week."

"What are you talking about?" I felt anger seep through me. How fucking dare he?

"You've been giving the poor guy whiplash between acting like a possessive boyfriend one second and then acting like he's just some fan the next. Mark--" he grabbed my face between his hands and squished my cheeks together, "you're a fucking douchebag."

I slapped his hands away. "Fuck you, Ken. You have no idea what you're talking about." 

He took a step back, surprised at the hostility in my tone. "Listen, Mark, I'm not saying that you need to date him or reciprocate his feelings or anything. Obviously, you aren't gay, but Jack is still figuring himself out, and you need to be there for him. He really looks up to you, and right now he needs you to be there for him. Just--I don't know--just don't be an asshole." He shrugged his shoulders and patted me on the shoulder. 

I knew he was right. I hadn't exactly been the most supportive of Jack even though he'd opened up to me with such raw vulnerability. I knew I should be more sensitive of Jack figuring out his own sexuality or whatever. I shouldn't let my being oddly attracted to Jack come between us. The last thing he needed was me confusing things even more. 

I mumbled something to Ken about him being right before I got up to go outside, suddenly needing air. As I left, I saw Jack watching me curiously. He smiled and waved me over. I waved back and motioned that I was going outside. He nodded and turned back to the conversation he had been having with Ryan and Matt. 

Outside the bar, the street was nearly deserted apart from a girl smoking a cigarette and leaning against the building casually. She looked at me from head to toe and cocked an eyebrow approvingly. I walked over to her, needing a distraction. She offered me a cigarette which I took even though I rarely smoked, not since I stopped drinking, at least. She lit the cigarette for me. After one drag, I was content to just hold the lit cigarette between my fingers and let it burn down on its own. 

"Drunk people are the worst," she said. 

I nodded and laughed. "Unless I'm also drunk, I agree."

"But you're not," she said. 

I shook my head and looked at her. She was beautiful. Long brown hair, blue eyes that shine pleasantly. She was wearing a lowcut dress that showed off her slim figure without looking like she was trying too hard. "Neither are you," I said. 

"At least we have that in common." She finished her cigarette and set it down in an ashtray. "Wanna find out what else we have in common?" she said, smirking and biting her lip. I liked that she was bold. Knew what she wanted. And I liked that it was me that she wanted. 

I shrugged and put my cigarette out in the ashtray. "Let's go find out," I said and opened the door to the bar to let her in. She slid past me, sliding her hand along my chest in an endearingly familiar way. I liked her and knew that she'd be good at keeping my mind off the situation with Jack. 

She set up a game of billiards in a far corner of the bar. Ken walked over to me and whispered, "This isn't what I meant by being nicer to Jack." 

I rolled my eyes at him. "Fine," I said and told the girl--I still hadn't gotten her name--that I'd be right back. I scanned the bar and found Jack already over looking at me, an unreadable expression on his face. 

"Jackaboy!" I shouted as I walked over to where he was. I threw my arm around him. I felt his shoulders stiffen. "Are you drunk enough to let me and my friend over there beat you and Ryan at pool?" I pointed to the billiards table where the girl waved at us and gave a big smile. 

Matt piped up, "What about me? I don't get the chance to beat you?" 

I shook my head. "You're too good. I've seen you play before. Ryan, I know, sucks hairy dicks at pool. And Jack here is a little drunk so I think I can take him."

"Hey!" Jack protested indignantly. I was glad he was smiling at least. "I'm Irish! Takes a lot more than this to get me drunk."

"Prove it!" I said and motioned the bartender over. I ordered him a whiskey and coke and paid before he had a chance to protest. I still had my arm around him, and I felt that he was beginning to loosen up again. I squeezed his shoulders for good measure before lowering my arm. 

The four of us walked over to the girl who was holding three cue sticks in her hands, waiting for us. She handed two to Jack and Ryan who introduced themselves. Sherry was her name apparently. 

I reached to grab the third one from her. She pulled it away playfully. I laughed and chased after her until I backed her up against the wall and pinned her there with both arms. She was smiling, clearly loving the attention. She looked up at me in a way that was clearly meant to be seductive. Strangely, I didn't feel anything, even though she'd normally be exactly my type. I took the cue stick from her and laughed before turning around. Ryan was rolling his eyes but Jack--he didn't look angry, he just looked sad, and that was so much worse. Suddenly I didn't want to play. All I wanted to do was whatever I needed to do to make him smile again. 

Ryan took the first shot and immediately knocked in the 8 ball. We all laughed at the probability of that happening on the first try, but Ryan insisted that we give him another chance. 

The game was over quickly, mostly since Sherry was way better than any of us. She continued to flirt with me, which I couldn't deny was flattering as hell. Even so, I tried not to flirt back because I couldn't bear to see Jack's face looking at me sadly. I told myself that it wasn't about my feelings for him; I just hated seeing him sad. 

After the first game, I was sitting on a barstool by the pool table; Sherry was perched on my lap, her arm draped around my shoulders. I held her around the waist, more to keep her from falling off than any form of affection. I looked over to see Jack and Ken talking in the corner. I was not really paying attention to what Sherry was saying. 

"--and then I died. The end."

"What?" I said distractedly. 

She laughed and hopped off my lap. "Don't worry about it. I always get attached to the unavailable ones." She gave me a quick peck on the cheek. "He's a good guy and adorable. Good luck, dude." 

I gave her a confused look. Was she talking about Jack? Was I being that obvious? 

She gave a little smirk and a wink and walked back to the bar to talk to the bartender. I stared after her for a moment before my attention drifted back to Jack and Ken. Ken was leaning down to whisper something to Jack who smiled wider than I'd seen him smile all day. 

Fuck him. 

I hopped off the stool and walked over to them. Ken stepped away from Jack who resolutely refused to look at me. 

"Ready to go?" I asked.

"What about your friend?" Jack asked, looking annoyed. 

"Eh, I blew her off," I lied. 

Ken smirked, "Bet you were hoping it'd be her who was blowing you off."

Jack punched him in the arm. "Have some fucking respect dude. She was a nice lady; she was just entranced by Mark like the rest of his millions of fans." 

I smiled at Jack, appreciating the fact that he was standing up for her. If my stupid emotions hadn't gotten in the way, I would've asked her out. She really was cool. 

Jack and I left soon after. We didn’t talk much on the car ride home. It felt awkward, and I fucking hated it. When we got back to the apartment, Jack got out of the car and slammed the door.

“Dude, the fuck is your problem?” I yelled after him.

He turned around and glared at me. “Are you serious, Mark? You’re so fucking daft.” I noticed how thick his accent got when he was angry and tucked that information in the back of my mind. He walked to the door of the apartment and twisted it, but it was locked. He kicked a the wall next to the door.  “I’m going to stay with Ken until I leave tomorrow,” he said and my heart sunk to my stomach.

“No,” was all I said. I walked up to where he stood with his arms crossed across his chest.

“No? Are you shitting me? What, are you gonna fucking stop me then?” It was both a challenge and a plea.

I stood close to him and moved forward to push him against the wall next to my door. He shoved me hard enough so that I stumbled backward.

“Fuck you. I’m not some girl at a bar, Mark. You can’t just push me around and tell me what to do and expect me to get on my knees for you at the end of the night,” he was speaking quickly like he was barely in control of what he was saying. He ran a hand through his hair and leaned against the wall defeatedly. “I’m over this. I’m done with caring about someone who only thinks about himself.” He started to walk away, but I reached out to grab his arm. He didn’t turn toward me but he didn’t pull away either.

“Jack—“ I didn’t know what to say. He was right about everything. He deserved so much better than what I could offer him. Still, I couldn’t let him go. I didn’t want him ever to go. In a burst of spontaneity, I pulled him into a hug, wrapping my arms around him tightly so that he couldn’t easily escape. He struggled against me for several moments before giving up and just standing still, arms at his side. “I’m so fucking sorry, Jack,” I said. It was a big deal since I rarely apologized to anyone. “I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I don’t want you to leave me. Ever. Especially not now.”

  _Not when you’re going back to Ireland tomorrow_. I couldn’t say the words out loud. The words were so painful that they would have caught in my throat.

He relaxed just slightly into the hug, reaching his hands up to place them tentatively on my back. I leaned into his touch. It felt so good to hold him and be held by him. I reached my hand up to tangle in the back of his hair which was curling slightly at the ends. Unconsciously, I breathed in and smelled what could only be described as Jack. He smelled like sweat and cigarettes and home.

“Fuck, do you know how much I care about you?” I said, but I didn’t dare to look at him. I knew that if I did, it might break me.  

It was a long moment before he spoke, and in that moment, I felt the weight of everything that could-be between us. All the days we could spend together, all the nights, all the kisses, and all the fucks. He felt like everything I ever needed in life. In this moment he was mine completely. I never wanted that to change.

“I know you care, but I also know it’s not the same way I care about you,” Jack said.

I held him even tighter and wanted to tell him that he was wrong: that I cared about him exactly the same way. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Because I was fucking scared of my own goddamn feelings apparently.  

“Jack—” I began without really knowing where I was headed.

He waited expectantly as I pulled away from the hug to see his face. It was a mistake. His eyes were watering and his hair was mussed up in a hundred different directions. He looked like a lost boy silently calling for help, but I wasn’t the one who could rescue him.

Even if I wanted to be.

I stepped away from him completely, immediately missing the physical contact. We were still standing outside my front door. I took a moment to let us both inside. Jack went to the kitchen to grab a glass of water before turning around and facing me, leaning against the counter. I stood across from him in the narrow kitchen and almost wished we were still outside. At least there, the noise of the street and the harsh porchlights let me know that something existed in the world besides Jack. In here, all I could hear was my own breathing. In here, there was nothing stopping me from pouring my heart out to Jack.

“God, Jack. I want to—” I stopped, for several moments too long.

“But?” Jack said, his voice quavering in a way that broke my heart.

“But I’m just not gay,” I said, and the words felt so dumb as soon as they left my mouth. Whatever was between us was so much bigger than gay or straight or bi or whatever the hell we were. This was Jack. And Jack was more than any label to me.

He looked down and nodded. I wanted to see his eyes, read what he was feeling.

“Jack, I’m so sorry,” I said.

He shrugged. “I mean, I know you aren’t gay, Mark. It’s just my stupid overactive imagination. It gets me in trouble more than it should.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“I thought that tonight you were trying to make me jealous with that girl, and I thought that you wanted to kiss me the other night, and I thought that—I dunno. I’m dumb.” He gave a nervous laugh that I hated because it was nothing like his real laugh. “I bet you wish like fuck that I hadn’t barged into your life this week. I swear, next time I’ll fork over the money for a hotel. _If_ there is a next time. I doubt you’ll ever want to see me again.”

“It’s not like that. I’m _am_ happy you came.” _Please don’t fucking leave me_ , I added in my head.

“I guess coming to Ireland isn’t an option anymore, yeah?” he said with another nervous laugh, but he looked up at me tentatively through dark eyelashes.

“Fuck yeah it’s still an option. In fact, I’m going to buy my ticket right now to prove it to you.” I got up and grabbed my laptop, plopping myself on the couch and patting the seat next to me for Jack to sit. He cautiously sat on the couch next to me, carefully positioning himself close enough to see my laptop screen but not close enough to touch me. I felt stupidly disappointed.

Jack helped me search online for the best deal. The cheapest we found was for that June, just two months away.

“Is that too much Jackaboy time?” he asked me.

“Shut up,” I said, smiling. I was giddy. Two months was a long time, but I could handle it as long as I knew that I’d be seeing him soon. I mentally calculated that it was exactly 58 days from the day he was flying back to Ireland. I pulled my credit card out of my wallet. Jack offered to pay but I rolled my eyes at him.

“Don’t be stupid,” I said. “I’m the one with more subscribers, so clearly I’m the one with all the money.”

Jack shoved me playfully as I smiled at him. It felt more normal. Both of us felt more relieved now that we had a plan for the future of our—relationship? Friendship?   

Jack yawned next to me. I looked down at my laptop to see that it was already well past two a.m. His flight was in six hours.

Fuck. It hit me that tomorrow afternoon, I’d be here in my apartment alone without him. I could hardly stand the thought of my life without him. In the span of a week--or maybe it started the first moment I met him--either way, the fucker had wormed his way into my life, and now I felt lost without him. 

“I’m going to miss you,” I said, one of the first honest things I’d confessed tonight.

“Fuck, me too,” he said. He reached his hand out to touch my arm but stopped himself midair, instead rubbing his arm nervously.

We sat for several moments of silence. I put my laptop on the coffee table and leaned back into the couch cushions, closing my eyes and resting my arm on the back of the couch. As I streched out, I felt the hair on the back of Jack’s neck and absentmindedly began tracing circles at the nape of his neck. I heard his breath hitch ever-so-slightly when I began lightly massaging the tension in his neck. His head lolled forward to give me better access.

“That feels so good, ba—Mark.” He was so pliable under my fingers that I couldn’t help moving my fingers through his hair, massaging his scalp one-handed while intently watching his reactions to each movement of my hand. He was so responsive. I wondered—

My thumb found his earlobe which still housed a small hole where a gauge used to be. I massaged it gently, and he leaned into the touch, making soft and intoxicating “mmm” sounds. I moved my hand back to his neck and left it there. Jack rolled his head back up to peek at me. His eyes were sleepy, and he was smiling goofily. I loved his stupid face, so I smiled back.  

In a fit of spontaneity, he leaned forward and kissed me chastely on the cheek. It was over in a moment, but it was enough to get my heart racing and my head swimming.

“Jack,” I said, my voice suddenly hoarse, “do that again.” I cleared my throat. “You know, because Ken can’t be the only guy you ever kiss. I bet he’s shit at it.”

“He was a’ight,” Jack said, leaning closer to me. He swallowed nervously. “I doubt you’ll be much better.”

“Wanna fucking bet?” I said and leaned forward to meet his lips. 

The first thing I felt was surprise. This was different. Different from anything I'd ever felt before. It wasn't even a perfect kiss. In fact, in the scheme of things, I'd probably had better kisses from more experienced people. But somehow it felt like after it was done, nothing would ever be the same again, and I never wanted the kiss to end. I wanted to put off all the guilt and confusion and awkwardness and denial that were sure to follow if I stopped kissing Jack. So, I pulled him closer until he shifted his weight on top of me, one leg on each side of my hips. His hands found the back of my neck-- _my_ weak point--and I put my hands on his narrow hips which I knew was his. He kissed me with abandon, like it was his first and last, and even though in my head, I knew that it wasn't his first and it definitely wouldn't be his last, I basked in the rush that it gave me to think that I made him feel like this at all.

Jack tentatively licked my lower lip and I responded by deepening the kiss into something that went way beyond just proving that I was better than Ken. Jack moaned against my mouth, and I thought about all the ways that I could touch him so that I kept hearing him do that. Experimentally, I dug my fingers into his hips, probably harder than I should have, hard enough to leave a bruise or two. He responded with the most satisfyingly throaty moan, bucking his hips forward so that he rubbed against me. I was already half hard and every movement of his hips was driving me crazy. Without being fully aware of what I was doing, I reached forward to unbutton Jack's pants, wanting to feel as much of him as I could. I got halfway down his zipper before he stopped kissing me abruptly, his hands pushing mine away.

"Fuck, baby," he said, and I nearly groaned at how good that sounded out of his mouth. He rolled off me and sat back on the couch, his shirt halfway ridden up his chest and his jeans still unbuttoned. He looked like something out of a wet dream. He didn't turn toward me, but he said, "I can't do this, Mark. _We_ can't. You made it very clear how you felt earlier, and regardless of how you feel now." He gestured toward my general crotch area. "You can't keep pushing me away and then fucking with my emotions like this. If I'm to be happy, I have to be with someone who I know is proud to be with me  _all_ the time, not just when no one is watching. I deserve that, and you deserve someone you're proud to be with too. I think we can be--friends, but that's all. Anything else is just too complicated." He nodded curtly and took a shaky breath.

I knew he was right. He really did deserve someone so much better. I was no good for him, and he was better off with someone else, someone who would cherish him the way I longed to.

"I'm really sorry, Jack. I don't know what came over me. I was way outta line."

"It's really ok, Mark. I was out of line, too." He stood up off the couch. We said goodnight, even though we both had to be up in just a couple hours for me to take Jack to the airport.

But when I woke up, I saw that the sun was shining too brightly for it to be 6 a.m. like it should have been. I panicked and checked my phone. I had a text from Jack. 

 _"Didn't want to wake you, so I took an Uber."_ Then another one, time-stamped ten minutes later. " _Please don't worry about last night. I promise we're totally cool, dude._ " Then one more, a minute after. " _See you in Ireland, my friend._ " 

I threw my phone across the room, not even caring that it was a petulant thing to do. How could I have fucked up what could have been the best thing in my life.

No regrets, my ass.  

     

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Goddammit, Mark.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment if you liked and want me to continue!


End file.
